Today I want to get real with you and be vulnerable for a minute, and tell you about my experience over the weekend.
I have my website, but I’m having some professional pictures taken for my website to make it look a little better. So I hired this photographer and the earliest availability she had was December. I thought that would be fine, give me plenty of time to get ready.
Late Saturday night I got an email from her saying she had a spot for next Wednesday and asked if I wanted it. Of course I wanted it! So I took it.
And then I started thinking about what to wear and getting ready. I got online that night and was online shopping. I spent time on Sunday doing that as well.
Here’s what happened. As I was looking at picture after picture after picture of beautiful women in beautiful clothing and they were skinny, and knowing I would be wearing nice clothes and be in front of a camera…you get it. It threw me for a loop.
I know for myself, when I’m looking at a ton of social media like that (“fitspiration”), I know that puts me in kind of a bad place. Combine that with me being out of town, eating out 3 meals a day (guys, I ate doughnuts for breakfast which I never do!), and hadn’t really been taking care of my body for a few days, and pile on top of that this constant body image bombardment…last night I was feeling really low.
Even though I know better, I went to this place of “I am in this profession of helping women lose weight and feel good about their bodies. People will look at me and think that I need to lose 10, 15, 20 lbs. I’m no good at this. People aren’t going to respect me as I am.”
I let myself go down this hole for a few hours of wanting to hurry and lose weight, hurry and go on a diet so I could lose weight before my pictures were taken.
Guys, I preach about this stuff all the time! But I just want to tell you that the struggle is real! We live in a world where the world doesn’t want us to feel good about ourselves because it’s not profitable! You can’t make money off a woman who feels good about herself no matter what she looks like. Even though that’s the goal, it is so hard to live in this world of constant “be skinny. Be skinny. Be skinny”.
It is so hard. It’s toxic. And I’m not immune to that, despite my training and my new career and everything. I fall into that same trap. I let myself be there for a few hours and knew I would snap out of it in the morning.
And I did. I’m fine now, and I know, I know that it doesn’t matter what I look like. I know that I’m good at what I do and that I deserve respect even though I’m not an ideal body. And it’s okay. It’s okay to have days where you feel like you’re not good enough.
Learning to love yourself is a process. It’s a practice. You will never arrive at a point (well maybe you will but I never will) where you will never struggle again. It’s a constant journey, and it’s going to be up and down.
Yesterday I had a down, and today I’m back in my normal place where I love my body even though it’s not perfect. I know that’s not a basis for judgment of who I am. I hope it’s helpful for you to hear that because it’s helpful for me to open up and be honest with you.